AM I SHRINKING AND TURNING BLONDE?
My mother was barely 5′ 1″ and like many of her generation, became blonder and blonder with time. In her later years, I do remember a particular smell permeating her bedroom — medicinal? Chinese emporium in Kensington? She used it to ease her aches and pains. Today, it has a fancy name – A-Rub 35, Voltaren …. Do they work? No! I’ll tell you what would work — subtracting 20 years! That’s not going to happen so we keep seeking out various reliefs. And laugh. That’s always the best remedy.
Body Betrayal: Old age by a thousand cuts a day ….
OH-MY-GAWD!!!!!! I JUST FOUND TEN — at least! – HUGE GREY HAIRS IN MY EYEBROWS. STICKING OUT!!!
Of course, I can’t see without my glasses and if I don’t go to my aesthetician, I would never know.
Breakdowns. Parts that Have stopped working …
I have got a tensor sleeve for Every. Part. Of. My. Body!
I live in a small condo and storage is at a premium. But still, I have one whole drawer that is dedicated to these various elasticized appliances — elbow; ankle, knee — sometimes two of the same.
Do these ‘gadgets’ work. Not really. But I continue to shell out my money, hoping-againt-hope that something might work. (It’s similar to trying out a ‘miracle’ diet that will help you lose 15 pounds in two days.)
I no longer scroll through online fashion sites or window shop. I am now leafing — with great interest I might add — at the latest catalogue for seniors’ paraphernalia …. Compression socks, swivel bath chairs … I’m even coveting a 4-wheel power scooter — for the future!
Noises & Indiscretions
I sent a friend a video of a sleeping dog farting. Anything to do with dogs and I’m putty.
She wrote back that she has that with her husband every night. I wrote back:
It used to be with Earl but now I’m the ‘indiscreet’ one …
Earl had gone to bed and I was seeing our friends out. I started coughing accompanied by farting. We were laughing so hard that I continued coughing and farting and then peeing in my pants! AHHHH — to live a long life.
Putting on Pantyhose
I twisted my finger trying to pull on my knee socks. Don’t even go near the subject of full-on pantyhose. (Thank you Covid!) I’ve gone back to wearing pants just to avoid the always embarrassing struggle. And at the same time, I don’t have to wax my legs! It’s a win-win.
What used to be is no more ….
My friend texted me the other day: Lots going on. How are you and EMC doing?
Sounds innocent enough but ‘Lots going on’ sounded the alarm bell.
In my heady, halcyon days of youth, ‘Lots going on’ meant: I met a new guy! I got a new job. Got a great bargain on a coat!
But today – no. It just doesn’t mean the same!
And yes, I was right. My friend was sounding an alarm bell because something did happen to a family member.
A BROKEN HIP!!!!
There’s a new way of walking. Depending on the joint that’s not working that day, we either waddle or put our shoulders back and bend from the waist. Only then are we ready to go.
I’m in Loblaws trying to wrestle a buggy from the grips of another buggy when a ‘younger’ woman comes over and says, “Here, let me help you.” AAAAAHHHHHHHH! I’ve arrived! Inside I feel seventeen; outside I look my age — seventy.
Sharing is Caring
Sharing when you’re in kindergarten is giving your favourite toy to your best friend. As you got older, it meant other things. In high school, and if you’re a girl, it’s secrets. When you’re madly in love, you’ll even share a toothbrush when you’re in a bind and there is nothing else. Some of us share our bed with our pets ….
But when you’re a senior, well … You do your pills for the week together; you use each other’s glasses when you can’t find your own …. You both even start to order Depends underwear. They really should give us discounts!
Doctor’s On-Line Appointments
No longer do we call the secretary for a doctor’s appointment. As a patient, you now have to go through an electronic ‘portal’ … First, you fill in your User Name, then the Password — after looking it up in your I-Forgettery file. Get into the ‘Dashboard’ then ‘Compose’ — ‘Your name’, ‘Reception’ then — ‘Subject for This Conversation’.
Some recent examples. (Feel free to send me yours.)
– Itchy & Smelly Rash
– Stinging While Urinating
– Red Eye Lids
– Discolouration Around Ankles
– Ultrasound Results?
– Do I need another Ultrasound?
– Ultrasound — Again
– New Aches & Pains
– 3-month Check-In
– Need to check my constant reflux (?)
– Do you have a loyalty card programme?
Coming Soon: The perks of getting old
I have to give this some thought.